Forever Wanting More
by HilaryHilary
Summary: Sawyer won't let himself see the truth, Jack and Kate won't let themselves belong. Everyone knows the truth, but no one can see it. Jate, onesided Skate, one sided Jana.
1. Never Enough

Never Enough

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Author's note: I originally posted these as a series of oneshots, but then decided to repost them as one story.

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As has become his custom, Sawyer stared down at Kate as she slept. He'd envisioned this for so long, her sleeping peacefully in his tent, being constantly together. It had begun haunting him almost immediately after they'd crashed, around the time he'd made suggestive comments toward her to cover up his true feelings.

Because he did have true feelings, as much as some people–namely Jack–doubted they existed. True feelings such as love. Love for the woman that he slept with regularly, who was still so far out of his reach.

In her sleep, Kate sighed and rolled away from him. He didn't understand. Even she didn't understand. She didn't seem to realize that a part of her was still pining for Jack. As much as he'd hurt her, as much as he now ignored her, as much time as he spent alone in the jungle with Ana-Lucia, she couldn't forget him. The entire island had seen the instant connection they'd felt, the instant flirtation. Verbally copulating, as Charlie had once so eloquently put it.

Kate and Sawyer had never verbally copulated. In the beginning, it had been entirely one-sided. The entire island had seen how he'd harassed her, slowly seduced her. All of them had watched in disgust. As a leader, Jack was naturally beloved. They wanted him happy.

No one cared if Sawyer was happy.

But Sawyer had never been happy. He didn't even crave happiness any more. He didn't crave peace. He just craved her. And to her, he was merely convenience. Or a way to get back at Jack.

He tried not to think about that.

Sawyer thought back to their first kiss, in the jungle. He thought of what he would have done to her, had he not been tied up, had she not been hating him. He wondered if it would have been enough to stop Jack and Kate's relationship in its tracks. She said she'd never kissed Jack.

He didn't believe her.

Somewhere to his right, Kate mumbled in her sleep. Something short. Something indistinct. Something ending in "ack".

Jack had won, Sawyer realized. Won the game they'd been playing since the beautiful dark haired girl had entranced them both. Now, she was his. Sawyer should have flaunted his victory, treasured his goddess. But Jack was biding his time. He wasn't stupid.

Sawyer immediately pretended to be asleep as Kate half rose from the bed and looked sideways at him. She cautiously lifted the blanket off of her and stood up. As she walked out of his tent-their tent-she was clad only in her underwear and a cotton camisole.

She walked along the beach. Sawyer watched until he disappeared from view. She did this every night. Every night he watched her half naked body, her dark hair blowing in the wind (he loved that hair), her feet sinking into the sand as she walked. He was too afraid to investigate. He knew it would bring up something he didn't want to know.

He wasn't the only one on the island to feel alone, though he was among the few who wasn't. Sayid had lost Shannon, Charlie had lost Claire. The rest seemed doomed to be alone, unable or unwilling to make a relationship function in the middle of the Pacific Ocean.

Even after Kate came back to the tent, she went back to sleep on the far side. They didn't spoon. They'd never had any false pretences of tenderness. Their relationship was concrete, almost businesslike: hot, angry sex, constant bickering, constant oppression of true feelings.

She didn't know he loved her.

She'd never know.


	2. Forever Wanting More

Forever Wanting More

_Author's note: I intended Never Enough to be a oneshot, but now it's spiraled into a quartet. I'll be posting the other two over the next few days. They're a Jack POV and an Ana-Lucia POV. _

Sawyer thought she didn't realize.

That he stayed awake for hours every night, watching her sleep. That he regarded her as a trophy in some ways, his woman, the most beautiful woman on the island.

His woman. His. She was, in every sense except that she'd never love him.

Kate knew she was beautiful. Tom had told her often enough. Jack never had, but it had been obvious in his looks. Almost all the island men, even the ones now in love with a different island girl than her, had looked at her in that way. Jack had done it the longest.

Jack did it still.

Sawyer had never been married. He was never overly protective of her. He showed no signs of going insane. Quite frankly, he was hot as hell.

Kate rolled over, attempting once again to fall asleep. As her thoughts became too much for her, she muttered her beloved's name, to the horror of her lover.

As unbelievable as it was, he was her lover. Often. Sawyer, the antagonist of the island, pleasured her almost nightly. She screamed out his name, never letting herself be truly happy.

Some days, she wondered how she'd gotten herself into this mess. In a million different universes, she could have avoided getting on the plane. In so many more, she could have been honest with Jack from the beginning. Or with neither of them. So many different circumstances could have saved her from her broken heart.

When it became clear that he wasn't going to go asleep and stop his own musings, she rose from the bed. He pretended to be asleep. Slowly she walked out of the tent, her barely clad body shivering in the cold. Sometimes, the beach seemed so unsafe.

But it wasn't that that drove her nightly to the caves.

She stepped past Ana-Lucia, over Charlie. Neither of them awoke as she made her way to the cave farther back from the beach.

Jack was a light sleeper. He awoke as soon as he sensed her standing in his doorway, her white underwear and tank top standing out in the dark, dark night. She'd recently done her laundry. Her white clothing contrasted particularly against her skin and dark hair. She looked down at her feet while his gaze hovered on her.

She hated how much she needed him.

Silently he nodded, and she walked quickly across the cold cave floor to lie with him. He sat up as she joined him and she ran a hand over his stubble, his short dark hair. She leaned in and kissed him. For a moment he seemed like he was going to resist, put his conscious above his desire.

But he never could.

After a few more stolen kisses, she pulled away. She didn't need sex, and she couldn't quite bring herself to betray Sawyer that thoroughly. As much as she wanted to.

No, they had their own routine. Jack lay back down on his makeshift bed, and Kate slipped in between his arms. She felt his hard stomach against her back and his face, only inches from hers. She pictured his dark, sad, searching eyes.

Eyes forever searching for her.

It didn't take long for her to fall asleep. Her and Sawyer had tried to spoon a few times. It had somehow resulted in a few bruises, and a few more bitter arguments. Kate felt a stab of victory every time she saw Jack asleep without his quasi girlfriend, Ana-Lucia.

The space by his side at night was hers. Always.

The two men flashed through her dreams. Sexy, dangerous Sawyer. Handsome, dependable Jack. She'd never been in the same place long enough to be so torn.

But to say she was torn was a lie. She'd made her decision, even if she wasn't living with it. She'd made her decision on the first day.

Her sleeping mind flashed to her first love, telling her she was beautiful. Sawyer called her hot, sexy, tight.

Beautiful.

Jack knew she was beautiful.


	3. Close to You

Close To You

_Author's note: This is the third of four bits. Sorry it took so long to get up, I'll put the fourth (Ana-Lucia's) up tomorrow. This is Jack's POV._

When Jack ducked his head into Sawyer's tent in the morning, Sawyer couldn't resist slipping an arm around Kate and sending a subtle smirk in his direction.

Jack resisted the urge to roll his eyes. Sawyer was in denial.

But neither man had the right to smirk. Kate would never let herself completely be with either.

As he handed Sawyer his painkillers, Jack's gaze fell to Kate. Her dark hair wildly over her shoulders, her eyes wide and panicked. She always seemed to worry that Jack would say something to incriminate her. That he'd grow tired of their half relationship.

She didn't seem to realize that he was afraid as she was.

There were so many things he could have done differently. He could have trusted her. He could have been nicer to Sawyer. Been nicer to her. Kissed her before Sawyer had the chance to. Would it have changed anything? Would he have had anything more than their stolen nights?

He wondered how they'd live through it. It could be years, until they were rescued. It could be forever. Could she last forever, splitting her time and her heart between the two of them? It didn't seem likely.

He knew that he couldn't last forever with her breaking his heart.

Slowly, reluctantly, he walked back along the beach. Ana-Lucia met up with him as he neared the water supply, and kissed him. In so many ways, Ana was perfect for him. She didn't torture him as Kate did, they had similar ideals.

They hadn't yet reached the point where they'd move in together, into one tent or cave. He didn't like to think of what would happen when they reached that point. He was unable to tell Ana-Lucia about his feelings for Kate.

What were they, anyway? Was it love? Longing? Desire?

If this was love, he didn't want any part of it.

He thought of the man he'd been with his wife, Sarah. He thought of the man he was with Ana-Lucia, the man he'd been with his high school girlfriend, Hannah. Of the man that dealt with the problems of the entire island. They weren't weak.

She made him weak.

He wished he had the strength to turn her away. To invite Ana to his bed. To turn her back to her lover.

Lover. Jack shivered in disgust at the thought. Didn't Kate remember?

Jack remembered.

He remembered her hands, tightening the straps of his backpack. Like he couldn't do it himself. Her words- _"You checking me out?"_ As if he hadn't been. As if he ever stopped. He remembered her wet, towel clad form.

God, why hadn't he kissed her then? Sealed the deal, before Sawyer had the chance to.

But they had sealed the deal. He remembered their kiss, fleetingly in the jungle. She'd been struggling. He'd tried to calm her. She'd backed away.

He wondered if she regretted it like he did.

In the beginning, he'd been so sure of her. He'd had every reason to. Sawyer had been nothing more than a blip on their radar. They'd had everything going to them. As Hurley had so eloquently put it-"_What up with you and Kate?"_

What was up with him and Kate? No one on the island had ever been able to figure it out.

He didn't want to figure it out. He was afraid that if he figured it out, he would stop.

He lived for their half relationship. The nights they spent together when she should have been with Sawyer, when he should have been with Ana-Lucia. He craved it. He couldn't sleep properly until she came, wearing her underwear and camisole, bare footed and bare legged, tired from her long walk in the dark.

It was only a matter of time before they were discovered.

Jack sighed and looked away from the beautiful Latina girl, trying to catch his eye. He was so sure he would get over her.

Any day now.


	4. All I Wanted

All I Wanted

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Nobody loves her.

Once, she'd been foolish enough to think that Jack loved her, or could love her.

But he loves Kate. Like everyone does.

It didn't take long for Ana-Lucia to come to this chilling conclusion. A few hidden glances, a few of Jack's lacking kisses. Sawyer realized it, too.

Kate was so different. So ideal. So perfect. As soon as she'd seen her, Ana-Lucia had recognized her as competition.

But deep down, she'd never considered that Kate could win.

She didn't understand their history. No one could explain. No one had seen kisses, or touches. They'd just seen the chemistry, the pull, the silent and mutual attraction. It had been building for months. It was building still.

In her head, she referred to it as a love square. It was a love triangle, because no one loved her, and she didn't really count. It would always be the three of them.

Jack stops by her on his way back from Sawyer's tent and drops a kiss onto her lips. Why does he even bother? Is it to stick it to Kate, to show her that he doesn't need her?

Every day, if becomes increasingly obvious that he does.

In so many ways, she and Kate are so similar. So independent, so passionate. Is this why Jack feels so hard for both of them? Or is Ana lying to herself to think that Jack feels for her at all?

Some days, she wondered if she had any other options. There was Ecko, who'd only once taken the opportunity to touch her. There was Sayid, and their weird, offbeat connection of sorts. There was Sawyer.

But was there? Was there anyone for Sawyer, besides Kate?

Ana couldn't help the jealous stabs of anger that rose in her whenever Jack looked at Kate. Ana had known him for longer. She knew it was petty, but it was true. Jack wasn't afraid to try to be with Ana. Jack trusted her. Jack believed her.

But he didn't want her.

He didn't need her.

For some crazy reason, Kate was beloved on the island. Even though they knew she was a criminal, even though she'd lied, even though she'd broken the heart of their leader, they loved her. They'd never love Ana, would never want her to be with Jack. Ana-Lucia had made the tail enders hate her by being an ineffective leader, made the rest of the Islanders hate her by killing one of her own.

From what Ana-Lucia had heard, they didn't even _like_ Shannon

The tail-enders didn't even look to her as their leader anymore. She didn't even have that honour. They'd followed her unquestionably through the island, but now they looked to Jack for guidance. Jack, who was so much more effective.

Life wasn't fair.

Glancing over her shoulder, Ana sees Jack and Kate meet at the water deposit. They don't communicate. They don't hash out their feelings, or admit to their affair. Even if it isn't an affair, Ana-Lucia knows it isn't nothing. They don't even talk. They don't have to talk.

All they have to do is look.


	5. Broken

Broken

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Author's note: Ha, I said I'd just do four. One of my reviewers (Mic226) suggested I do a fifth part, as like an epilogue. So this is it. Hopefully it wraps everything up, and it's kind of in everyone's perspective.

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Every once in a while, your lies will catch up to you. Your heart will tell you what you want, and maybe, just maybe, you'll listen for a change. 

Some days, you'll become so stretched apart that you'll rebound back into each other without even trying. Other days, you'll permanently lose sight of what you really want. What you really need, and always will.

Kate would forever see life through two paths-the one she'd taken, and the one she wished she'd taken. She was a cynic.

So was Jack.

For a moment, Ana-Lucia wished wildly that Kate, or Jack, or anybody, would reveal what the four of them knew to be the truth. That Jack was in love with Kate, that he always would be. That both her and Sawyer were fighting a losing battle that refused to be drawn to a close.

But of course, no one did. It was so much safer for Kate to have two lovers than the risk of having none. As Sawyer clamped an arm around her shoulders, she looked appealingly up at Jack. Ana-Lucia shook her head in disgust. She'd be attracted to Sawyer, if he weren't the dumbest man she'd ever met.

They were all stupid, for even still trying.

Sawyer stared at Ana stare at Kate. Ana was beautiful, and feisty. He could see himself happy with her, if he ever let himself stop being miserable with Kate.

The idea of Kate making him miserable was still incredible to him. He'd spent months yearning for her. Months playing for her. Even a few weeks of rubbing his victory into the Doctor's face, before the realization set in that it wasn't him that Kate wanted.

Jack glanced toward Sawyer wondering how his lover (who wasn't exactly his lover) could possibly be with such a man. Sawyer was everything he found objectionable in another human. He knew that on many levels, she felt the same.

Would Kate have ever gotten together with Sawyer on any level, except for to get back at Jack?

In the outer orbit, somewhere beyond the four of them, others hovered. Hurley, seeking advice. Claire, soothing a crying Aaron. These people didn't matter. Right then, they were less than nothing.

Saywer didn't pay Jack any heed when the Doctor sighed impatiently. Jack was always upset about something, but he never bothered to deal with it. He wasn't impulsive. He wasn't Sawyer.

Kate realized what was happening an instant before Sawyer did, but not before she could react. She didn't particularly want to react.

Jack snapped. His eyes falling from Ana to Kate, he reached forward and pull her toward him, away from Sawyer's arms before the other man could react.

Kate didn't even think of resisting as he crushed his lips on hers. She kissed him deeply, her shut eyes blocking out the sun, the island, his eyes.

His eyes. Boring into her. The woman he loved. Always.

It wasn't this that made Kate break away. It wasn't her guilt, or the sun, or Jack's lip that fit so perfectly in to hers. If she'd had her way, she'd have kissed him forever.

But she didn't. She couldn't.

Jack expected Sawyer to hit him as he pulled away, he even expected Ana to do so, but he was surprised when his Kate stingingly slapped his cheek. He rolled his eyes as he saw what she was doing. She was denying.

She was still pretending.

Sawyer knew better.

She followed him at a run as he walked off to the jungle. Kate was impulsive. Too much so.

Sawyer shook her off as she clutched his arm, willing her to look at him. Suddenly, he almost felt relieved. At least the charade was off. At least she was no longer the innocent, smothered by his love.

As she grabbed his arm again and attempted to turn him around to face her, he backhanded her. She reeled back in shock and he disappeared in to the jungle without looking back.

She glanced back to where Jack still stood, talking to Ana-Lucia.

For the first time in her life, she had nowhere left to run.

* * *

Ana-Lucia had known for months, and Jack had known she'd known. It was as if she'd been slowly peeling off a band aid for months, and suddenly it was ripped from her. She felt completely detached. Everyone on the island, everyone that existed her, stared at them in surprise. They weren't sympathetic. They were even smug. She'd hurt them, and now she was being hurt. They didn't care what happened to her. No one did. 

It wasn't exactly a coincidence when she ran into Sawyer in the jungle. He walked loudly. She ran fast.

He silently regarded her, the same thoughts in his eyes that she felt in her heart. She maintained eye contact with him as she stripped off her black tank top. She shrugged her bare shoulders.

"They have it coming."

Sawyer stared at her. Kate would always love someone else. He'd always love her. The life he wanted was over forever.

Ana-Lucia looked expectantly at him. He scoffed.

Some people just didn't get it.

Unfortunately, he was one of them.


End file.
